Tara has it as one of her points contributing to intrinsic motivation. Yesterday Gretchen posted about how having a sense of control contributes to happiness.
To be clear, they are both referring to having control over their own stuff - not control over others. I'm sure we are all familiar with at least one control freak who wants to control everyone and everything. Usually, they are miserable people and no fun to be around. When talking about control it is good to be in mind of The Serenity Prayer.
I shared one of the "EASY myths" from Martha Beck's book, Four Day Win, in an earlier post. I want to share a couple more that seem apropos here:
EASY Myth #2: To lose weight, I must absolutely comply with my external authority figure (diet, trainer, program) the way a child complies with a parent. It is the external authority's job to initiate activity, notice when I need more support of any kind and deliver the right support in the right way, and sustain my discipline. In other words, my job is to be the perfect child. My authority source's job is to be the perfect parent.CALM Insight #2: When I was very young, complying with authority really was my only way of staying safe and figuring out how the world works. But now that I am capable of analyzing reality on my own, playing a child role is frustrating and makes me feel powerless. Something is telling me that I get to be the grown-up in my life and that if I totally comply with any external system, I'll end up giving away my autonomy, individuality, and self-respect. My instincts tell me when to question. If I listen to them, I won't feel or act like a trapped and angry child.
EASY MYTH #3: A perfect weight-loss authority source will eliminate the possibility of my breaking the rules.
CALM Insight #3: The only thing that creates total compliance is total dependency. Prisoners and people with total paralysis or extreme illness are the only adults who can't choose to disobey. Far from creating happiness, the loss of autonomous choice is horrible. It's the single variable most related to depression and despair. I'm grateful that I have the choice to break the rules of my fitness program, because the alternative is loss of all personal power.
I like that Beck uses the word power where she could have used the word control - in particular I like the phrase "personal power". I think that that is what Gretchen is referring to in her happiness post - the freedom and power to choose our actions in a situation. And I would extend that to the power to choose how we frame different situations. We have to step out of any learned helplessness. One of my favourite tricks used to be blaming my husband for my being overweight - he wasn't supportive enough, or he bought too much bad food, or he didn't compliment, or he looked at me funny, or he didn't clean the bathroom, or...I had a million permutations. I became an expert at finding all the insidious little ways he had of making me fat. Poor guy didn't even know how clever and conniving he was! I finally had to admit that he didn't control me. I had the power to choose my own behaviour.
Because of this, I have mixed feelings about 12 step programs that have people admit that they are powerless over fill in the blank (alcohol, drugs, food, sex). I know they have worked for a lot of people - and there could be a number of reasons for their success (a mentor relationship and group support are HUGE factors, according to the research). It may be that admitting powerlessness is not one. I question how it frames the situation. I have often heard people who are trying to stick to a diet say things like: "my eating was out of control today." Was it really? Out of your control? Or did you just choose to eat more? Which would you rather say, " I ate too much because it was out of my control." or "I made a choice to eat more than I needed to." Which statement has the most potential for change?
